I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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