Whoa Z and x make the same sound
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
