Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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