put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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