Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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