I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
