.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
