it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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