I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
