Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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