I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
