so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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