hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
