Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
