we have pet lesbian snakes
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
