Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
