The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
