you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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