Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
