this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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