I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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