who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
