How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
