i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
