you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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