What a fucking waste of an outfit
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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