the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
