I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
All the doctor said was why
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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