Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
