On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I FOUND THE LEGS
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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