I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
