How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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