Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
