Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
is it fun? or sober?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
