I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
