My liver just broke up with me...
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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