just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
