Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
