Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
