i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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