He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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