69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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