the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I have already put on my inside pants.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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