i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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