I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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