I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
