Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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