UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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