i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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