I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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